150 Friends, Tops: Your Social Circle Has a Ceiling

Let me ask you something: How many meaningful relationships do you think you can actually maintain? And I’m not talking about nodding at a neighbor in the elevator or liking someone’s Instagram post—I mean real, genuine connections.

As it turns out, there’s an actual number for this—Dunbar’s number—and it’s around 150 people. That’s the typical number of relationships our brains can handle as part of our ongoing social network. This isn’t some random guess; it’s grounded in science and reflects the cognitive and emotional limits of what we can realistically manage.

For introverts like me, 150 sounds ambitious. Honestly, I’m probably operating at 50 (on a good day). But even extroverts run into the same cognitive and emotional constraints. No one escapes Dunbar’s rule—not even the friendliest person at the networking event.

Dunbar’s number isn’t just one big blob of 150 people. It breaks down into buckets, or tiers of closeness:

• Close Friends (5 people): These are your ride-or-dies. The ones who know your quirks, your favorite pizza toppings, and the embarrassing story you wish they’d forget.

• Super Family (15 people): The inner circle. The ones you’d call if your car broke down in the middle of nowhere. The people you trust when things get messy.

• Clan (50 people): The coworkers you genuinely like, your extended family, or the friends you see occasionally but can always pick up with where you left off.

• Tribe (150 people): Think of these as the people you’d invite to a big party. You’d recognize their faces and know their names, but that’s about it.

As you move closer to the inner circle, each relationship requires more time, energy, and emotional bandwidth. This is why quality matters more than quantity—some of us are spreading our energy way too thin, focusing on the wrong bucket, or neglecting one altogether. Sounds familiar?

Relationships Don’t Happen by Chance

Meaningful relationships don’t just “happen.” They aren’t random. In fact, there are five key conditions that make it more likely you’ll form a lasting connection with someone:

1. You see them a lot: Whether it’s coworkers, neighbors, or the barista who knows your order better than you do, proximity matters.

2. You know the same people: Shared connections create trust (and sometimes really great inside jokes).

3. You met them in a formative period: Think college roommates, first job buddies, or that friend you met backpacking in your 20s.

4. You live close: Long-distance friendships are great, but there’s nothing like bumping into someone at the grocery store to keep the connection alive.

5. You go through difficulties together: Surviving tough times —whether it’s a group project, a bizarre team-building retreat, or a global pandemic—bonds people in ways nothing else can.

Think back to your closest relationships. I’m willing to bet at least one of these factors played a role. That’s why some connections feel natural and effortless, while others feel like hard work.

Networking Is Overrated

We live in a world obsessed with networking—attending events, collecting LinkedIn connections, growing Instagram followers. It feels like a never-ending competition to see who can build the biggest “social network.” But science says we’re not wired for that. And honestly, the real value isn’t in how many people you know; it’s in how well you know them.

So how do you balance your buckets and focus on what really matters?

Reflect on your buckets. Where are you spending your energy? Are you investing too much in your tribe (your 150-person pizza party) and neglecting your close friends or inner circle?

Balance your relationships. If you’re feeling “empty” or disconnected, it might be because one bucket is out of sync. Try to reallocate your time and focus. The goal isn’t to have 150 best friends or spend all your time with the same 5 people. It’s about finding the right balance for you.

Be intentional. Think about the five conditions above. What opportunities do you have to deepen existing relationships or create meaningful new ones?

At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about quantity—they’re about quality. What truly matters is the depth and meaning of your connections. Focus your time and energy on the people who enrich your life, and let go of the pressure to keep up with superficial numbers. Build a life centered around authentic, fulfilling relationships, not just a long list of acquaintances.

Edge Thought of the Week

“The most important things in life are the connections you make with others." — Tom Ford

Here’s your challenge for the week: Make a quick list of the people in your life, roughly broken down by buckets. (Or keep it simple and write down the folks you’ve texted in the last two weeks!) Then ask yourself where you feel drained, and where you feel fulfilled. Which relationships need a bit more attention?

Remember, it’s not about hitting a magical 150. It’s about knowing your limits and being thoughtful about how you invest in the relationships that matter most.

Until next time,
Laura